What comes next
by downtherainbow
Summary: Multi-chapter: How do you deal with the death of your child? Finn and Rachel have recently lost their daughter, Emma. They are trying to deal with the loss of their daughter, but will they be able to do it together, or will they drift apart?
1. Chapter 1

This is my first fanfiction _ever_ so I have no idea if I did it right. The story isn't finished yet, but I already have a few chapters written (most will be longer than this one). Also, English isn't my mother language so I apologize in advance for any major and/or minor mistakes. I hope you like what I wrote, but if you don't, that's fine too. Please review!

**NOVEMBER**

Rachel's POV:

Emma's been gone for three weeks now. My Emma. My little gold star.  
There are so many things that have to be taken care of and I can't bring myself to do it. Every time I try to get something done it ends in me crying.  
This is killing me, all of this is freaking killing me! It hurts to breath because I know Emma can't anymore.  
She's gone.  
After spending months and months in the hospital, rushing from one doctor to another, she's actually really gone now.  
It was all for nothing.  
Nobody could help her.  
Not even me. Her mother.  
When I close my eyes I see bits and pieces from days in the hospital, the funeral, people who are searching for words to make this better. But they can't. Nobody can make this better. Because she's gone. And she's not coming back. My sweet little 4-year-old angel is gone.  
Why? Why? Why? She wasn't ready to go yet, her life hadn't even really started. She wasn't ready to go, I wasn't ready for her to leave me.  
This loss is driving me crazy and I don't know how, if, I will ever survive this.  
I remember the days in high school when I was crushed because I had a sore throat because it meant I wouldn't be able to sing for a few days, I remember the days when I _lived _for applause.  
But all of that changed when Finn and I really started dating, all of a sudden the only thing I cared more about than myself was him. And years later, he gave me my daughter and when I held her in my arms for the first time, I knew that as long as she was safe and happy I didn't need anything else. In an instant I didn't care about performing anymore, I didn't care if the people applauded my talent or not, I only cared about her. Just her and my husband. She and Finn became my world, the only thing I lived for.  
And now Emma's gone.  
And I'm scared of what comes next.

Finn's POV:

I saw Puck today, even though we definitely had our...differences in high school, I consider him my best friend now. High school has been over for a long time and we all grew up in more ways than one. I remember the day I talked to him about wanting to propose to Rachel, how happy he was for me. And a few weeks later, when I told him she'd said yes, how happy he was for both me and her.  
He was my best man at our wedding and he was the first one I called after Rachel and I had found out that she...we were pregnant.  
He was one of the first people to arrive the day she was born, with a giant teddy bear and a big smile on his face he entered the room. He didn't say it, but I could see by the look on his face that she reminded him of Beth.  
Anyways, I'm rambling.  
What I wanted to say was, I saw Puck today, my best friend, who has been there for me through all of this, ever since we found out that Emma was sick. He has been my rock, someone I could always lean on when I couldn't take it anymore, but today...all of a sudden I didn't want his arm around me, I couldn't look him in the eye, I didn't want to see the despair in his eyes, it made it so real, too real. Who I was, what I had, it's all gone, just like Emma is.  
All that's left are images, Emma in the hospital, Emma with tubes coming out of her little mouth, the monitor indicating her heart rate.  
I prayed, I prayed so hard in a God I don't even really believe in. Maybe that's why she didn't make it, because I didn't believe in some God who maybe could save her.  
Now I definitely don't believe in a God anymore. I don't believe in anything anymore. We begged Emma to fight and my little girl fought, she fought so hard.  
And then I had to let her go.

**DECEMBER**

Rachel's POV:

It's December, Christmas is drawing closer and it reminds me of last year, when Emma helped me decorate the tree. Who could've known that that would be our last Christmas together, I would've enjoyed it more if I had known what I know now. I would've enjoyed my time with Emma instead of worrying about the amount of food I had to prepare.  
We're not going to celebrate Christmas this year, obviously. It just doesn't feel right, it's too soon.  
She's been gone for over a month now and I still can't believe she's never going to come back. The first minutes of every morning are the worst because for those few minutes, I think "it was just a bad, fucked up, dream" and then reality sets in and I start to realize it wasn't a dream, it isn't a dream.  
It's real, every little thing is real. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking that I heard her voice, one foot already out of bed to go check on her, when I realize she's not going to be there. Then I look at Finn and while hot tears stream down my face I wonder if he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night too.  
I wouldn't know, because he doesn't talk to me. I think he's blaming me for giving away her organs, he agreed to do it because I begged him to but it wasn't his choice.  
Maybe I shouldn't have pressured him, but I wanted to give her organs away because I think it's what Emma would've wanted. Even though she was only 4 years old, she hated it when people were sad and she always tried to cheer them up. Finn used to say _"that's definitely a quality she has inherited from you, Rach" _and that always made me smile.  
It just felt right to do at that time and I still don't regret that choice, Emma would be so proud to know that she saved the lives of other kids, other families.  
I just wish Finn would talk to me about something, anything.

Finn's POV:

I talked to Brittany at work today, I think it's the first time that I actually _really_ talked about how I'm feeling, how I'm trying to deal with all of this. I try to be strong for Rachel, our family and friends,  
I don't want to burden them with my feelings, my sadness and pain, but it's there.  
When I go to bed I fall asleep to the image of me holding my dead daughter in my arms, she looked so peaceful, like she was just sleeping. I remember looking at her, my little princess, and I couldn't grasp the fact that this wasn't my daughter anymore.  
It's the last image I have of her and it exhausts me, I wish I could remember her as the amazing, little, sweet, sparkling girl she was, but I can't.  
The sadness makes me so tired. Brittany understood that, she mostly listened without giving advice.  
It's pretty strange how people always want to give you advice about stuff like this. The other day a colleague told me that Rachel and I are still young enough to have another baby and it took everything I had to remain calm. I mean, who the hell does this punk think he is?  
I know he probably meant it well, but what the hell does he think? That Emma's replaceable? Like she was just something broken beyond repair and all we can do, have to do, is buy a new one?  
If I told this to Rachel, she wouldn't understand why this makes me mad, she'd stick up for those people, tell me they mean it well. Usually I'd find that honorable, how she always sees the best in people, but not in this case. So I just hold my tongue.  
I don't think I've spoken two sentences to her this week. Sometimes I hear words coming out of my mouth without actually realizing what I'm saying.  
I know Rachel wants me to talk to her but what's there to say?  
My little girl is dead. So what's the fucking point?


	2. Chapter 2

**JANUARY**

Finn's POV:

Yesterday I decided to take a look in Emma's room to try to remember some of the fun things that I did with her, convince myself that I hadn't been the worst Dad in the world.  
Nothing came to mind, I saw pictures of her, smiling, laughing but it didn't make me smile.  
It made me feel like crap. I hate this. I hate all of this.  
I don't want to think, I don't want to feel. In fact, I don't feel.  
I'm just numb.  
I hate the way Rachel looks at me, like I'm someone that needs to be taken care of.  
I don't need her to take care of me, I'm supposed to be the one taking care of her.

Rachel's POV:

Everything is dull and cold, I keep waiting on some sort of improvement, a little less pain. Weeks go by without any good moments.  
I get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, do the laundry, watch the news, go to bed.  
The same scenario, day after day.  
I don't laugh, I don't even smile, neither does Finn. It seems like we're drifting further away from each other every single day.  
We don't say nice things to each other anymore, in fact, we hardly talk. I've given up on making conversation with him, because he doesn't hear me anyway.  
I keep telling myself to just give him some time, to not pressure him, but I can't help but wondering if he maybe wants to leave me. I would understand, I haven't been myself lately and maybe he doesn't like this version of me. I wouldn't blame him. I don't like this version of me either.  
I caught him standing in Emma's room the other day, nothing in that room has changed, nothing but the fact that there's no Emma in it anymore. I wanted to go to him, comfort him, let him comfort me. But then I thought, what if he doesn't want to be comforted? What if he pushes me away? I don't think I could bear that.  
God, I miss him so much. I miss waking up next to him in the morning, because when I wake up he's already gone. I miss his touch, his voice, his shoulders I used to cry on, holding him, the way he used to hold me, the way he used to look at me. I miss him and I don't know if he misses me.  
I wish we could go through this together, Finn has never been really afraid to show his emotions, especially not to me, but now... I don't want to tell him this, the whole situation is already hard enough, he doesn't need to hear about my insecurities.

**FEBRUARY**

Finn's POV:

I'm exhausted, all this gnawing sorrow is making me exhausted. I want to go back to before Emma got sick, I want to laugh again. When I think about it, I wish I had realized how lucky I was before all of this happened, I wish I had worked less and made more time for Emma, more time for the three of us, Emma, Rachel and me. So often I told Emma "not now" when she asked me to read her something, I regret that now. I regret so many things now. I know it sounds cliché, but I wish we could go back in time.

When I want to cry, I try to make sure Rachel doesn't hear me, I don't want to burden her with my problems. I want to be strong for her, because that's what she deserves. I miss Emma, but I also miss us. I miss Finchel. What happened to us? And how will it ever get better? I know I have to start by letting her in instead of pushing her away, but it's for her own good. Because I'm a mess and she deserves so much more, my amazing wife deserves more than the mess I am now.

I wanted to tell her that the other day, when I caught her looking at me with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen. I wanted to tell her it's not her fault, that I don't blame her for anything. I wanted to kiss her, hold her in my arms and tell her that I love her. But I didn't. And I don't know why I didn't, because I miss her. I miss her so fucking much. You know what, screw this...

"Rachel?" I whispered silently when I crawled on to our bed "are you still awake?"

I heard her swallow before she answered "yes, Finn, what's wrong?". I turned the lights on and realized she had been crying when I saw her red puffy eyes. She looked at me like she was scared of what I was going to say. "I..." all of a sudden I didn't know what to tell her anymore. There was nothing I could say to make her feel better.

"You want to...um, you want to leave me don't you?" She asked. "It's okay, Finn, I understand that you don't love me anymore."

This confused me for a moment, what was she talking about? Then I realized, I should've known she was going to blame herself for everything. She had always been so insecure about herself.

"Rachel...no..." I started, but she interrupted me. "It's fine, Finn. I can't blame you for..."

"Rachel! Will you just shut up for a second?" She looked at me with her big brown eyes, a little surprised. "I don't want to leave you, Rach...I just wanted to tell you how amazing you are, how amazing you have been with all of this, with me." She opened her mouth to say something but I stopped her, I wanted her to really hear me, so she would know I meant every word.

"I know I have been a jerk, I know I've been pushing you away and I shouldn't have, I just...I saw how sad you were and I didn't want to burden you with my sadness and pain. But the truth is, Rachel, I miss you," tears started forming in my eyes and I wanted to turn away from her so she wouldn't see it, but before I could she took my face in her tiny hands and looked me in the eyes, "please don't hide from me" she whispered. I sighed and continued "I miss everything about you Rachel and I need you, I didn't want to admit it, but I do, I need you to help me deal with this, I need you for everything."

She wiped the tears from my cheeks and pulled me closer to her. I wrapped my arms around her small body and laid us down on the bed and gave her a soft kiss on the lips.

She whispered "I missed you too, I missed you so much...I love you Finn Hudson and the whole world knows I need you too."

I kissed her again and felt her smile, which made me smile too. "I love you too, Rachel Berry-Hudson."

It wasn't until I _really_ kissed her I noticed how much I had actually longed for her touch, her body against mine. God, I had missed her so much. My hand found the zipper on the back of her dress and before I could stop myself I was unzipping it, I hesitated for a moment, looking at her. Was this too soon? She looked at me, telling me with her eyes that she was okay with this, so I unzipped it further and threw her dress aside. She was as perfect as ever, when I saw her lying there in her black lace underwear I wondered once again what the hell I had ever done to deserve her. She crawled on top of me while she unbuttoned my shirt and when she started pulling my pants off I was the one who was all of a sudden having second thoughts. Was this right? Could we do this? "Finn? Are _you_ sure about this?" I heard Rachel asking "yes, I'm sorry...yes, I'm sure. God, you're so beautiful." I replied.

"Then be here with me please, please Finn." I looked at her while she removed her bra and I gasped a little. She leaned closer and kissed me again, I grabbed her by the waist and gently laid her down on the bed again while I took the rest of her and mine underwear off.

"I'm so sorry about everything that has happened, Rach, I wish..."

"Shhhhh" she muttered against my lips "let's just be here together okay, let's just enjoy this moment, you and me."

And I did, we did. Hot damn, we did.

"You're amazing, you know that?" I whispered afterwards in her ear "I don't know what I ever did to deserve such an incredible woman like you. I love you."

"You got me by being the amazing man that you are, by just being yourself, I don't need or want anybody else but you, okay? Please know that." Rachel muttered quietly.

I pulled her as close to me as I could and while she snuggled up to my chest I buried my face in her beautiful dark hair. For a few hours, we had felt happiness, we had enjoyed each other again. That night, for the first time in months, we fell asleep in each other's arms again.

Rachel's POV:

A few nights ago, for the first time since Emma's death, we made love again. I was happy to be able to completely lose myself in it, lose myself in Finn. For a few hours I was happy, for a few hours I had enjoyed life again. It had been as perfect as it could've been under the circumstances, until the next morning when I woke up to the sound of my husband crying.

"_Finn? Talk to me..." I told him. I want him so desperately to tell me how he feels, I want to know I'm not alone in this. _

"_I miss Emma" he said "I miss our little girl so much and I feel bad about myself, Rachel. I should've spend more time with her when I had the chance to and now it's too late and it hurts me. It hurts me so fucking bad." _

"_Please don't think those things, Emma loved you, she loved her Daddy and you know it, she couldn't have asked for a better Dad. She loved you, she did. You'll just have to take my word on it." _

_He nodded but I don't know if he actually believed me. _

"_I know I'm shutting you out, but please don't think it's your fault. I just feel...I feel responsible for you and I want to be strong for you because we can't both lose it, one of us has to stay strong and I don't want it to be you, so I try to stay strong for you. I don't allow myself to mourn, not in front of you, because all of this is already hard enough on you. I don't want you worrying about me too. I know you think I don't notice how sad you are but I do, I know you Rachel, you can't hide anything from me, and I can't hide anything from you. That's why I tried to stay out of your way, so you could deal with this in your own way without having to worry about me."_

_I swallowed a few times before I answered. "Don't you see that that's the problem, Finn? The way you're acting makes it look like this doesn't hurt you as much as it hurts me. The way you're acting makes it look like sometimes you don't even care." And that's when Finn really started sobbing, he broke down right in front of my eyes and it broke my heart to see him like this but in a certain way it was also beautiful to look at. How he finally allowed himself to feel it, to feel it all, and how he finally trusted me with this sadness and pain he was feeling. In a weird way it gave me strength to go on, knowing now that I wasn't alone in this, that he was going through this too. "We need each other, we have to help each other get through this..."_

"_I know I have been shutting you out too, but that's only because my insecurities got the best of me and I'm sorry. I can't help it. But we can help each other get through this, as long as we're honest with each other, I know we can. We're in this together and we're gonna get out of this together."_

I meant what I said to him, I want us to be there for each other which means that I'll have to do my very best too. I know shutting people out doesn't do any good, it doesn't take the pain or the sadness away but it's easier than having to tell everyone you're "okay" or "fine" when you're clearly not.  
But like I told Finn, as long as we have each other, we should be fine.  
I really believe that.

**A/N:** So, this was chapter two. I thought I'd end it on a happier note because it doesn't always have to be sad, right? More drama is on the way though... Please tell me what you think of it, I'd love to hear your opinion!


	3. Chapter 3

**MARCH  
**

Finn's POV:

I'm afraid to say this, afraid to write this and afraid to think this but...lately it feels like we're actually living again. We make love again and we talk again.  
I finally opened up to her like I should have a long time ago and now that I don't have to carry these problems alone anymore, a weight has fallen off my shoulders.  
It's like we're falling in love again, I text her more often and the cuddling has increased. Rachel calls me again to ask what I want for dinner or other things like that.  
We went out for dinner last night and while it felt familiar it also felt special, like the start of something new, like we took a new start as a couple.

"_People at work so easily forget what you're going through, don't they? At first they are all up in your face pretending that they give a shit about what you're going through and a few weeks later they don't even acknowledge you anymore at the coffee-machine. They just like...whisper behind your back 'hey, isn't that the guy who lost his daughter?'. People care for a while but because they don't actually understand what you're going through they expect you to just forget it and move on, you know?" _

"_They can't help it Finn, you can't really blame them...they just don't understand." My jaw tensed a little when Rachel said that and I think she saw it, because she quickly asked "Isn't there anyone at work you can actually talk to then? I mean, come on Finn, they can't all be like that, right?"_

_I looked at her, knowing that the answer would make her a little jealous, but I told her anyway._

"_Well, actually...you're not going to believe this but Brittany has actually been pretty great to me through all of this." _

_She looked at me, a little startled. "Brittany? Pierce?"_

"_Yeah, that's the one."_

"_Oh. Is she still as pretty as she was in high school?"_

"_Not as beautiful as you."_

_At this, I saw Rachel smile and I knew she would be okay with it._

"_Well, I'm happy for you that you have someone besides me to talk to. And I'm not saying the following out of jealousy but...I think that maybe you should try to talk to Noah again. He's been a great friend to you. To us."_

"_Yeah...I know. What about you? Is there anyone you can talk to?"_

I had asked this because Kurt had called me a few hours before dinner to tell me Rachel had been turning down his offers to go out with him, Blaine and Mercedes.  
He had almost begged me to talk to Rachel about it because just like me, he was starting to worry about her. _  
"She needs to start living again, and I mean really living, as in actually step outside the safe environment of her house and interact with people. So do you, by the way, big brother"_ he had said,  
and I knew he made a valid point.

"_Well, Kurt, Blaine and Mercedes have asked me to go out with them a few times but..."_

"_You should go Rachel. It would be good for you. I want you to have fun with your friends, I want you to laugh again. I think going out with the three of them is exactly what you need right now."_

_I took her hand and looked at her "please, just go and try to have fun."_

"_I don't know..."_

"_Rachel, please. For me?"_

_She looked me in the eyes and nodded. "Okay."_

_I took her hand and smiled, "good".  
Well, that had been relatively easy.  
_

Rachel's POV:

I went out with Kurt, Blaine and Mercedes and...I enjoyed it. I had fun again, I laughed again.

"_Finn, can you get the door please? Kurt's here and I'm not ready yet." I quickly put my dress on, applied some make-up and went downstairs where I saw Finn and Kurt hugging tightly._

_I coughed and asked "do I look presentable?"_

"_You look perfect." They both replied at the same time._

_Kurt laughed and looked at Finn, "My, your sense of fashion has definitely improved, I'm impressed. That dress looks gorgeous on her."_

"_Well, actually I just think I have a smoking hot wife, but yeah, that dress is beautiful too."_

_I chuckled and gave my husband a kiss on the lips. "Have fun with Noah tonight, okay."_

"_I will if you will."_

"_Oh, she will" Kurt smiled "we're going to have a blast."_

"_Oh and by the way, Finn, please, please give your mother a call. Apparently you won't take any of her calls so she keeps calling me to check on you. So just call her, okay. She's really worried, you know how she is."_

_After Kurt made Finn promise to give his mother a call, we stepped outside in the fresh air._

"_So, where are you taking me?" I asked._

_He gave me a mysterious smile right before we stepped in the car and said "you'll see."_

"_Where are Blaine and Mercedes?" I asked, noticing the empty backseat._

"_They're already there, I dropped them off before I came to pick you up because I just wanted to spend some alone time with you for a few minutes."_

"_Oh. Why?"_

"_I have to tell you something."_

"_Okay, what is it?"_

"_Promise you won't get mad first" I nodded and he continued "I'm worried about you, we're all worried about you Rachel, because it seems like instead of letting go you're holding on to the pain and sadness you're feeling because you think it's all you have left. But it's not. Look, we're all going through this, of course it's not the same, but we all miss her. You have to try and focus on the good things, the time you did spend with her. You have to focus on the moments you had with her instead of thinking about the moments you're not going to have with her."_

_I stared outside the window as I let his words sink in. He was right, I knew that he was right._

"_You're right" I muttered in reply "I know you're right, it's just easier said than done."_

"_I know, but that's where we come in. When it all gets too much, when you don't see the good things anymore, just pick up the phone and call me and Blaine, call Mercedes. We're here for you, okay."_

"_Okay...thanks."_

"_Don't worry about it." _

_After that we drove in silence for a few minutes until Kurt pulled up in a parking spot in front of a bar. "We're here." _

_I stepped out the car and looked around. Across the street I saw a mother walking hand-in-hand with her daughter. I stared at them until Kurt blocked them from my view. He had seen me staring at them though, because he asked "would you and Finn ever want another child?"_

_I looked at him in surprise "I don't know...do you think we should have another baby?"_

"_That's not my decision to make, I only know that you're great parents and any baby would be lucky to be your child. Just like Emma was" he smiled at me "come on, let's go inside, it's chilly."_

_I followed Kurt inside the bar and took a look around. There was a stage set up and someone was singing. "This place is a karaoke bar now?"_

"_Surprise!" Kurt said, as he lead me to the table where Blaine and Mercedes were waiting._

_I hugged both of them and sat down. They didn't ask how I was doing and I appreciated that. I didn't want to lie to them but I didn't want to ruin the evening either._

"_So, are you guys going to sing?"_

"_We are all going to sing, Rachel" Mercedes replied._

"_What? No! I can't go up there..."_

"_Why not?" Kurt asked "We used to do this all the time. Come on, it's fun!"_

"_I don't know guys."_

"_Please just think about it" Blaine said as he stood up and took Kurt's hand._

"_Come on honey, let's remind Rachel of how much fun this is."_

_Blaine and Kurt sang the most epic duet together they'd ever done and it left me smiling. I cheered loudly for them when the song was over. Then Blaine took the microphone and said "now, let's give it up for our amazing, talented friend, Rachel Berry!"_

_I looked at them, in shock._

"_Just go, Rachel! Come on, you're amazing and you know it. Go!" I heard Mercedes say._

_When I stood up from my chair, Kurt and Blaine applauded._

_I walked over to the stage, took the microphone from Blaine and whispered "I can't believe you are doing this to me!"_

_He smiled and just said "you'll enjoy it, you'll see. Let the music heal you, Rachel."_

_Kurt and Blaine left the stage and went back to sit with Mercedes._

_I looked at the crowd, gripped the microphone tighter in my hand, took a deep breath just went for it._

_I decided to go with Barbra Streisand's 'Smile' because I'd always loved her and I'd always loved the song. And it was kinda fitting after what Kurt and Blaine had told me._

_I sang my heart out and when the crowd applauded, I smiled.  
_

I really enjoyed singing last night, those five minutes I was singing, I didn't think about anything else. I just enjoyed it.  
But when I got off the stage, I felt bad. I felt bad for having fun, I felt bad for smiling over something so stupid.  
I know thinking like that isn't smart, I know someday I have to move on. I just can't do it right now.  
Even thinking about moving on makes me feel guilty, because Emma is stuck forever.

**A/N: **I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed and/or added this story to their favorites. I never expected that to happen, but I'm glad that there are people out their enjoying this story. Thank you so much! I'll try to update again tomorrow!


	4. Chapter 4

**APRIL  
**

Finn's POV:

Rachel came home _drunk_ from another night out with Blaine and Kurt yesterday. I swear, sometimes I don't even know who my wife is anymore.  
It's not like her to go out to a bar and get drunk, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it so I didn't say anything.

"_Is she okay?" I asked, a little concerned, when I saw that Blaine was half-carrying her inside while Kurt held the door open._

"_I'm fine, Finn" she replied, letting go of Blaine and clinging on to me. _

"_Kurt and Blaine were nice enough to give me a ride home, because obviously I couldn't drive" she giggled._

_She let go of me and pulled both Kurt and Blaine into a hug, "thank you guys so much, you're both handsome and I'll love you forever and ever."  
She patted them on the back before whispering "and I will think about it, okay" in their ears. She turned around and went into the living room, probably to lie down on the couch._

"_Finn" Kurt started "we're sorry, we just wanted to go out for a few drinks."_

"_It's okay, guys, don't apologize. It's cool." It wasn't exactly true but I didn't want them to feel bad about this. "Wait...you didn't play spin the bottle, did you?"_

"_Uh..." Blaine said, blushing._

"_I'm just messing with you man, don't worry about it, honestly."_

"_Okay...Kurt and I...We actually wanted to talk to you about something" Blaine said._

"_Oh, okay, what is it?"_

"_Blaine, honey, let's not do that now...we'll tell him some other time."_

"_uh, are you sure though? I mean, if it's urgent..."_

"_No, Kurt's right. It can wait. We'll come back tomorrow. Goodnight, Finn."_

_When they left, I locked the door and went to the living room, where Rachel was lying on the couch, an empty water bottle on the table. She was trying to prevent a hangover, by the looks of it. It made me smile, that was definitely not what her sixteen-year-old self would've done. _

"_Hi Finny" she slurred when she saw me._

"_Come on" I said as I lifted her off the couch "let's get you to bed."_

_She snuggled up to me and placed a kiss in my neck as I carried her to our bedroom. _

"_I love you" she whispered in my ear as I laid her down in the bed "and I want you."_

"_Rachel, come on, don't do this, you know I don't like that. It makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of you. And I know you think that that's..." but I didn't need to finish my sentence, because she had fallen asleep. She snored a little bit and I found it cute. I took her shoes off and gave her a peck on the head. It made her frown a little and right when I wanted to turn around, she whispered something._

"_...want a baby" was the only thing I could understand, but it was enough to make me confused._

"_What? Rachel? What did you just say?" I asked, but she couldn't hear me and I knew I wasn't going to be able to wake her up anymore. _

I'm just a little confused right now. And mad, even though I have no right to be because I don't even know what she was saying. I have to talk to her about this, just tell her what I think I heard and just...ask her about it. I think I hear her coming down the stairs. Okay, here I go.

I walked into the kitchen where I found Rachel taking a bottle of water out of the fridge.

"Hey" I said, before I kissed her on the cheek "how are you feeling?"

"Fine...just a little headache."

"Yeah..."

"Yeah, yeah, don't even say it. I know it's my own fault."

"I didn't say anything!"

"But you were thinking it!" She said, smiling a little.

I sat down at the kitchen table and looked at her.

"Is something wrong?" She asked, and sat down too.

"It's just...you said something yesterday evening and I don't know what to think of it...I mean...I don't even know if what I heard is what you said and I just..."

She looked at me, confused. She didn't seem to remember she had said something, so maybe she had been dreaming.

"You said...I think you said something about...wanting a baby."

"Oh."

"Oh? What does that mean, _oh_?"

"It means that I indeed said something about a baby but that you weren't supposed to hear it...yet." She said casually. I was starting to feel angry because she was being so nonchalant about it.

"Oh, so you want to have another baby without telling me?" I asked sarcastically.

"Finn, no, you don't understand..."

"Can I just say something first? I don't want another baby, okay." It came out quite harsh but at least I was being honest and open. I am not ready for another baby and she should know it before she gets her hopes up.

"Well, then you'll be happy to know that I was never talking about a baby for _us_, Finn!"

Rachel was half-yelling at me and I gave her a puzzled look. What the hell was she talking about then?

"Kurt and Blaine want to have a baby, they told me last night."

I was taken aback by this, Kurt had never told me he wanted kids.

"Kurt and his boyfriend want a baby?" I asked her, surprised.

"Fiancé." Rachel said in a flat voice. "Blaine asked Kurt to marry him a few days ago. And he said yes. They told me yesterday and then Blaine asked me if I want to be his Best Person...Kurt wants you to be his Best Man. And then they told me they want to adopt a baby."

I swallowed. "He wants me to be his Best Man?"

"Of course he does, Finn."

I was flattered that Kurt wanted me to play such a huge part in his wedding, but I couldn't help feeling a little jealous. He was going to get married...adopt a baby. His life was going to start while mine had just ended. At least, that's how it felt.

"But...yesterday when they brought you home, you said something to them."

"What?"

"You told them you were going to think about it...what, did they ask you to plan the wedding or something?"

"No, that's Kurt's job, he already can't shut up about what suit he wants to wear, and what my dress should look like, the flowers, the theme...I think he's not even going to let Blaine decide anything...except maybe the song." Rachel laughed.

I smiled, "but what was it about then..." I wasn't going to let this go. She was hiding something from me and I wanted to know what it was.

Rachel looked at me, she hesitated for a moment but eventually asked

"You know how Blaine performs and writes music for StarKid Productions?".

"Yeah, sure. We've been to a few shows, it was pretty cool."

"Right. Well...he's working on something new and he asked me if I wanted to...He wants me to play a part in their new play. The first show is in June so I have to decide soon, otherwise I won't make it."

"Really? That's...wow. Are you considering it?"

"Well...yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

I shrugged, "I don't know...it's just...you haven't talked about singing or performing in such a long time. I thought you weren't interested in that anymore."

"Not interested in it anymore?" She laughed. "Finn...come on, you know me better than that. I just didn't have the time for it anymore. I was taking care of Emma, I _wanted_ to take care of Emma. I gave up performing to spend more time with her but now..."

"But now she's gone and you finally have time to do what you love again without anyone standing in your way" I finished her sentence in an angry voice.

"That's not what I meant at all...How can you even stand there and say that to me!"

"Because...because it seems like you're almost happy that she's gone. Is that why you donated her organs? So you would be completely rid of her?" I blurted out.

She looked at me, tears in her eyes. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know, all I know is that you seemed...glad after giving her away" I said. I had wanted to talk to her about this for a long time now and even though the timing could've been better, it actually felt really good to say it.

"I knew that someday you were going to blame me for that." I heard her whisper. She was trying her best not to cry, just like I was.

"I can't believe you're actually saying this right now. How dare you say I was happy when she died? That I was happy to "give her away"...I...I donated her organs so other children could live...she was dead, Finn, and I didn't want her death to be pointless so I..."

"So you gave her away. Everything, her heart, her liver, her kidneys, her lungs. You gave her away, Rachel, to strangers."

"You agreed to it!" She said, pointing her finger at me.

"Yeah...I guess I did. Because it was what you wanted and I was thinking more about you than about me. I was making a...a sacrifice. Something you would know nothing about since all you can think about is yourself and everything you do is for yourself."

She looked at me from across the table, I knew these words must've hurt her, but I didn't really care.

"Fine...you can hate me for that all you want, but I can't turn back the clock, Finn. What's done is done. But don't sit there telling me that _I_ am selfish for wanting to move on when you are the one that's being selfish right now! Do you even realize that you hurt me a few minutes ago?"

I didn't look at her, but she saw I was confused anyway.

"When you told me that you don't want kids anymore?"

I didn't say anything. I didn't have the energy to explain myself. I didn't have the energy to fight with her anymore.

"Yeah. That's what I thought. You know...I really thought you'd be happy for me, but I guess that was just me only thinking about myself." Rachel said as she left the room, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Rachel's POV:

Ever since our fight a few days ago, we haven't spoken a single word to each other. Finn has changed so much, sometimes I don't even recognize him anymore.  
At first he seemed so...over it, you know? It seemed like he had moved on and wanted me to do the same. And now that I am trying to move on, he's the one who seems stuck in the past.  
I just don't understand it.  
He basically told me he doesn't want to have kids with me again. The way he said it, like it was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard and it hurt me. Because I do want kids again someday, I really really do.  
Seeing Blaine and Kurt taking the next step made me realize that. Seeing them love each other, seeing them love life, it made me want to love life again too. And I knew that if I wanted to be happy again, I would have to start performing again. Performing will be good for me. I wish Finn realized that too.  
Sometimes I think about leaving him. Because, now that Emma is gone, what is really keeping us together? We've been dating since high school and maybe it's time to go our own ways...maybe we aren't destined to be together forever after all.  
In my fantasy it's all so easy, leaving him, forgetting everything that happened, start a new life.  
But I know I can't do that.  
Because I love him. And I don't want to leave him.  
I don't want us to be one of those couples that splits up because their child died, I want us to be the couple that gets stronger because of it.  
I'm just not sure if that's what Finn wants too.

**A/N: I'm sorry I didn't post this yesterday, I completely forgot! I probably won't update until Tuesday now, just so you know. A big thank you again for reviewing and/or adding this story to your favorites, I really really appreciate it! **


	5. Chapter 5

**MAY**

Rachel's POV:

I was looking at a picture of Emma, Finn and me. It had been taken before Emma got sick and we all looked so happy.

"I like that picture." I heard Finn say "I haven't seen you smile like that ever since..."

He didn't need to finish his sentence, I knew what he meant.

"I didn't realize we were talking again." I replied coolly.

We hadn't spoken to each other since our fight one week ago. Call me stubborn, but I wanted him to make the first move, I wanted him to apologize for the way he had acted, the things he had said.

"Are you taking a break from studying your lines?" He asked.

Earlier this week I had decided that I would do it. I was going to perform with Blaine and his friends. It was something I was really looking forward too, but not knowing how Finn actually felt about it put a damper on it. Now that he asked me about it, I was taken by surprise.

"Um. Yeah."

"It's Les Misérables, isn't it? The play? Who are you going to be?"

I snorted "Why the sudden interest?"

"Because I was wrong."

I looked at him, but didn't say anything.

"I shouldn't have blamed you for doing what you did. Because you're right. Thanks to Emma, other children can live, other families are happy. And no matter how hard it is for me, what you did for those people is amazing. And not selfish at all." "I also shouldn't have snapped at you when you were talking about babies. I didn't tell you the whole truth. I suppose I do want kids again someday, and of course I want them with you, just...not right now. Maybe in a few years...I don't know."

He looked at me, and I could see the guilt in his eyes. I knew he was being sincere. About everything.

I stood up from my chair and hugged him.

"Thank you for saying that" I whispered to him "you have no idea how much that means."

He kissed me and I smiled. Suddenly, I was feeling happy again.

"So," he said "who are you going to be in the play?"

"I'm playing Cosette. And in this play, people are actually going to love her because Blaine wrote the script as true to the book as he could."

"So she's going to be a beautiful, passionate girl who loves reading and singing and isn't afraid of anything?"

I laughed "Basically, yeah. How do you know that?"

"Because I read the first page of the script last night." He smiled.

"Blaine is right. You're perfect for this role. Because you're just like her, Cosette."

"I wouldn't know about that..."

"I do. You're a beautiful, passionate woman who loves to read, sing, dance and act and just like her...you're not afraid of anything."

"That's not true. I'm afraid of a lot of things." I whispered back.

"Like what?" Finn asked me.

It took me a while before I answered, because I was trying to hold back my tears.

"I'm afraid that I'll never be the same again. That we'll never be the same again." I sighed. "Do you think we'll ever be the same again?"

"No, if you go through what we went through, what we are _going_ through, you can never be the same again."

For a few seconds I felt panic wash over me, until he said, "But we will learn how to deal with this. Together. We'll find a way to make it through. I promise."

I smiled, "you really think so?"

"I know so."

He pulled me closer to him and kissed me. And in that moment, I was happy.

Finn's POV:

It's already the end of May. Time is going so fast, which is a good thing, I guess.

I'm doing my best to be positive, stay positive, live in the now, like Rachel does. It's hard, but it helps that I have her to go through this with me.

Kurt asked me to be his Best Man, I accepted, of course. I'm really happy for him, that he's finally getting married, that he's going to be a father. It doesn't make me mad anymore, I'm just really happy for him. Like I should've been from the beginning.

Next week is Rachel's opening night and I'm really excited for her. I can see how much she's enjoying this and it makes me enjoy it too. I've been helping her with her lines, which – believe it or not – is bringing us closer together.

"_So, if you're playing Cosette who's playing Marius?" I asked her._

"_Why do you want to know?_

"_Well...I just want to know who is going to be kissing my girl on stage."_

_She giggled. It was so nice to hear that sound again._

"_Blaine is going to be playing Marius, so you have nothing to worry about."_

"_Oh, that's good. Nice for you too." I said with a playful smile._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Don't you remember how awesome you think his face tastes like." I teased her._

"_Oh, shut up!" She laughed, smacking me on the shoulder. "Although...now that you mention it. I do remember how awesome his face tastes like and hmmm, I can't wait to kiss him again." Rachel said dreamily._

"_Hey! Are you trying to make me jealous?" _

"_Why? Is it working?" She giggled._

"_No." I lied._

"_Aww, that's too bad. Otherwise I would've known exactly what to do, but if you're fine with it -"_

_She said, already turning around, ready to walk out the room._

"_Wait!" I said, grabbing her arm and twirling her so our faces were only a few inches apart. "I lied. I'm really, really jealous." I whispered against her lips._

"_I know just the cure." She whispered back, before pressing her lips against mine._

"_Shouldn't we maybe continue this upstairs?" I asked when we were already lying down on the carpet in the living room._

"_Come on Finn, where's your sense of adventure? Don't you remember why we bought his soft carpet in the first place?" Rachel replied as she took my shirt off._

_I looked her in the eyes for a moment and laughed._

"_I love you, you know that?"_

"_I love you too" she said, smiling back at me._

**A/N****: I'm really sorry it's such a short chapter! But hey, at least everything is good again...right? There will be an update tomorrow, promise! A HUGE THANK YOU again to everyone who reviewed the story or added this to their favorites, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.**_  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**JUNE**

Finn's POV:

Tonight I went to Rachel's show and it was beautiful. She was still an amazing performer, even after all those years. It was great to see her perform with such passion, ease and grace.

Puck hadn't said a word to me during the play, which for him is very unusual.

During the intermission he had told me how amazing he thought she was, how lucky I was to have her as my wife and how glad he was that we worked things out. I only could agree with him.

"_I know I already told you this, but you deserve to hear it again." I said when we were driving home. "You really, really were amazing Rach. It was...beautiful to see you up on a stage again. It's been a long time since I've seen you so passionate about something. I'm really glad you had fun."_

"_Thank you" she said, turning her head to look at me. "That really means a lot, coming from you."_

"_You're welcome. You are incredible, honey. And I know that maybe I haven't been that supportive, especially not in the beginning and I want to apologize for that – again."_

"_It's okay, silly." She laughed. "It's long forgotten. Are you coming to watch tomorrow too?"_

"_Hell yeah!" I excitedly said. "I'm coming to every single show. Or at least until you don't want me there anymore._

"_I want you there every night."_

"_Then I'll be there. Front row. Every single night. I wouldn't miss it for the world."_

Rachel's POV:

Tonight was the opening night of the show. I had such an amazing time, I loved every single second of it.

"_Are you ready?" Blaine asked me, five minutes before I was about to go on stage._

"_Yeah. I'm nervous though."_

_Blaine laughed, "I don't think that ever goes away."_

"_Probably not" I smiled back. "Hey, thanks again for doing this for me. I really appreciate it."_

"_Oh, come here" he said, as he pulled me closer and gave me a hug. "It's my pleasure, Rachel. Besides, I should be the one thanking you, because if you hadn't accepted this part we wouldn't have had a play."_

"_You would've found someone else."_

"_Maybe. But nobody would've been as perfect for this role as you."_

"_Well, I'm glad I said yes."_

"_I am too. I'll see you in three." He said, and he left for the stage._

_Three minutes later I joined him.  
I had been so nervous to get up on stage and now that I was on it, it felt so...comfortable. _

_All of a sudden, I didn't feel like Rachel Berry anymore. I wasn't the mother whose kid had died. I was Cosette now. And it felt great.  
I knew I was where I belonged and when I saw Finn, sitting front row next to Kurt and Noah, smiling at me I didn't feel nervous anymore at all. _

_Almost two hours later, when the show was over and the crowd was leaving, all the actors were backstage hugging each other. We were so proud of each other, it had been such an amazing show, we were over the moon. _

_I went back to my dressing room to change and remove my make-up, half an hour later Blaine and I left the building together. Outside, we found Kurt, Noah and Finn waiting for us._

"_Congratulations, honey" Finn said, before kissing me. "You were incredible up there."_

"_Thanks!" I grinned. "You really mean that? You're not just saying it to make me happy?"_

"_You really were!" Noah agreed, before hugging me. "You were amazing, as always. Nice to know that some things never change." He smiled._

"_Thanks, Noah. I really appreciate you coming tonight."_

"_No problem, Berry. My pleasure. Anyways, I'm gonna go now. See you guys later." _

_Finn squeezed me against him and kissed the top of my head. "I love you babe."_

"_Love you too," I whispered back._

"_So?" Kurt asked. "Did you enjoy it?"_

"_Are you kidding? I loved it!" I grinned. "Especially because I have such a handsome on-stage-husband." I teased him._

"_Can't argue with that!" Kurt said._

"_No, but seriously. I really loved it. And the fact that one of my closest friends is with me on that stage is a great bonus."_

"_It's a pleasure working with you, Rachel. And I'm looking forward to all our other performances." Blaine said._

"_So am I." I said as I hugged him._

"_See you guys tomorrow! Drive safe!" Kurt said before we all walked back to our cars._

It was an amazing night tonight and knowing that in a few minutes, I'll be crawling in bed next to my amazing husband, makes it even better.

It was around 9 am when the doorbell rang. When I opened the door, Blaine was standing there, five newspapers and magazines in each hand, jumping up and down in excitement.

"Aaaah!" He screamed as soon as I opened the door and he threw himself around my neck.

"They loved it, Rachel! They loved it!" He said as he stepped inside and went to the kitchen where he spread all the newspapers and magazines open on the table.

"They loved it! They loved you, they loved me, they loved everything about it and everyone in it!"

I couldn't help but laugh at how excited he was.

"Well...of course they did! You made the whole thing happen so people were bound to love it."

"But still! It's so nice to hear it, read it!"

Honestly, seeing him this excited made me really excited too.

"I'm really happy for you, Blaine. Congratulations!"

"They're talking about you too! Listen! _'Rachel Berry, 25, who has been absent from the stage for about four years made her comeback last night in the StarKid production of Les Misérables. She portrayed Cosette with such ease that it seemed as if she'd never been away at all and was easily one of the best actors on stage that night. This was the first official performance she gave after the loss of her - ' _ Ahum. Yeah, that was it." "But see, they absolutely loved you!" He concluded, clapping in his hands.

I smiled. I don't know why it came as such a surprise to me that they mentioned Emma in that article. I just still wasn't quite used to the fact that the whole country knew I'd lost my daughter.

"I'm glad everyone loved it." I said. "It's nice to know that people enjoy what we do, isn't it?"

"It's one of the best feelings in the world. I'm glad I get to share it with you this time, thanks again."

"Well, as your Best Person...how could I say no to anything you ask me."

Blaine grinned. "I'm glad I asked you for that too. You're the best Best Person ever."


	7. Chapter 7

**JULY**

Rachel's POV:

It's strange how quickly you get used to things. How quickly you adapt to situations. It's only been nine months ago and yet, life goes on. The world still turns.

I never thought it would be possible, but it's true: I'm able to enjoy things again, I enjoy hanging out with friends, a day at the spa, a weekend at a hotel.

The first week after the play was over was hard. I had been so focused on it that I didn't really have time for anything else anymore. So when I didn't have that anymore I had time to think again, time to feel sad again. It's okay, in a way, I'm getting used to the sadness that I'm always feeling.

That feeling is probably never going to go away. I will always be a little sad, I have accepted that.

Finn and I talk about Emma again. I'd found home video's when I was cleaning out some drawers to keep myself busy, because now that the play was over I had a lot more time on my hands again. Anyway, I found them and showed them to Finn and we decided to watch them.

It was hard at first, but after a while it was great to see her again.

To hear her laugh, see her beautiful eyes.

It was incredibly sad and yet it was still beautiful, you know?

"_Finn?" I said, walking into the kitchen where I found him eating a cheese sandwich "look what I found."_

_I showed him the video's I'd found in a drawer in our room._

"_Are those - ?"_

"_Yeah...I suppose it's everything. From her first bath to her first time at the zoo." I nodded._

"_Do you want to - ?"_

"_I don't know. Do you?"_

"_Yeah, I think I do." He answered, after he'd stared at them for a while. "But if you don't want to watch it, you don't have to. I can do it alone."_

"_No. No, we should do this together."_

_5 minutes later, I was sitting on the sofa, watching Finn turn on the TV and pop in the video. He grabbed the remote and came to sit right beside me._

"_Are you sure?" He asked me again, waiting for an answer before pressing play._

"_Yeah. I'm sure. Just, turn it on."_

_He pressed play and when Emma filled the screen, he took my hand and squeezed it._

_It didn't take me long to start sobbing and Finn started crying after about 10 minutes too._

"_She was so beautiful" he said, his voice breaking._

"_Yeah, she was" I sniffed._

_I laid my head on Finn's shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me._

"_She was happy, wasn't she?" I asked, trying to breathe a little steadier._

"_Of course she was" Finn assured me. "She was one of the happiest kids I'd ever seen."_

_I laughed a little but then I started crying again._

"_I just miss her so much." I cried, hugging him more tightly._

"_I know, I miss her too."_

I don't know how long we actually sat on that sofa together, crying. All I know is that afterwards, we both felt better. And the sadness was a little lighter.

The next day I found some drawings she once made. I showed them to Finn and he just said _"she made the most beautiful drawings, didn't she?" _And I agreed with him. And we smiled. And everything was okay.

Finn's POV:

A few days ago Rachel and I watched some videos of Emma. It was heartbreaking to watch them. It was heartbreaking to see Rachel crying again.

_From the moment Emma filled the screen I took Rachel's hand. Even before I'd pressed play I knew how this was going to end. It was going to end in us crying. But I didn't really care. I just wanted to see Emma._

_So I pressed play anyway and stared at the screen. Rachel started crying almost immediately and for a few seconds I wanted to turn off the tv, but I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't turn Emma off._

_I squeezed Rachel's hand and felt the tears burning in my eyes. A few minutes later, I was crying too._

_On the TV, Emma was looking at meerkats with a big smile on her face. Meerkats had been her favorite animals because she absolutely adored Timon from The Lion King._

_She was pointing at them and clapping in her hands with the most beautiful smile on her face._

_God, I missed her so much. _

_At first I felt a little angry, because once again I realized that I would never be able to hold her again, I would never see her grow up. It was all so unfair._

_I was mostly angry at myself for filming all that stuff in the first place. Why had I wanted to that? Instead of enjoying a day out at the zoo with my wife and kid I had been filming the whole thing. Why? Why had I always been so insistent on filming all of those things?_

_And then Rachel answered my unspoken question._

"_As much as it hurts me to watch this now, I'm really glad we have all of this stuff."_

_She took a few deep breaths before continuing, "these are some of our best memories we have with her and now we don't have to be afraid of forgetting her. We don't have to be afraid of losing our good memories. Because they're right here. Thank you." _

"_No, thank you." I said, before kissing the top of her head._

"_What for?" She asked, surprised._

"_Everything."_

Rachel was right. She made me realize I'm glad I filmed so many of our trips with Emma, I'm glad those videos exist. Because they hold some of our most precious memories.

And I'll be able to watch them whenever I want to.

I don't have to be afraid of forgetting her. Those videos are proof that she really existed, that I didn't make her up.

While we were watching them we remembered the good things, the fun times we had with her.

It made Rachel and me accept that it's okay for us to be sad as long as we don't let the sadness consume us.

We have to remember the good times, the good memories, those are the things that nobody can ever take away from us. And for that, I'm really thankful.

**A/N: There will probably only be two or three chapters left (the last chapter will be an epilogue), I just don't feel like there's that much left to say anymore...do you? **  
**Anyway, as always, thank you so so much for reviewing and all that stuff, it makes me a very happy girl! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**AUGUST**

Rachel's POV:

"_Friends and family, Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson have invited us here today to share in the celebration of their marriage - their wedding.  
We come together not to mark the start of a relationship, but to recognize a bond that already exists.  
This marriage is one expression of the many varieties of love. Love is one, though its expressions are infinite.  
It is fitting to speak briefly about love. We live in a world of joy and fear and search for meaning and strength in the seeming disorder.  
We discover the truest guideline to our quest when we realize love in all its magnitudes.  
Love is the eternal force of life. Love is the force that allows us to face fear and uncertainty with courage."_

_At this, Kurt chuckled a little and Blaine grinned. Courage. Exactly._

_"But, you must 'be of love a little more careful than of anything.'  
For the giving of yourself in love is difficult, for you must learn to give of your love without total submission of yourself.  
Therefore, in your giving, give your joy, your sadness, your interest, your understanding, your knowledge - all expressions that make up life.  
But in this giving, remember to preserve yourself - your integrity, your individuality. This is the challenge of love within marriage. Kurt and Blaine, you are marrying because you enjoy each other's company and because you want to be together. You are marrying because each of you can grow in humanity and in love more fully while touching the other.  
You are marrying because you can be more trusting of life as life mates. Keep this understanding of your marriage fresh and alive in the days ahead.  
In marriage a family comes into being. Be joyful in your family. Bring to your family an appreciation of the beauty of each other.  
Bring to your family a sense of comfort and strength. Bring to your family a joy and thankfulness for being together.  
Marriage is a good estate. Bring to it joy. Bring to it the joy of this hour. Bring to it the enjoyment of each other."_

_Finn mouthed the words 'I love you' to me and I felt like crying and smiling at the same time._

_Kurt and Blaine were now saying their vows and then it was time for the exchange of rings.  
Blaine turned to me with a big smile on his face and I gave him the ring.  
He turned back to Kurt and said "I, Blaine, give you, Kurt, this ring as a symbol of my eternal love and commitment to you." as he slid the ring around Kurt's finger.  
"I, Kurt, give you, Blaine, this ring as a symbol of my eternal love and commitment to you." Kurt said as he slid the ring around Blaine's finger too.  
"By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you married. You may kiss each other."_

_As Kurt and Blaine shared their first kiss as a married couple, a lot of "aww"'s and "ooh"'s could be heard._

_"I present to you the newly married couple, Kurt and Blaine!"  
Everyone rose from their seat and applauded as Kurt and Blaine walked out, followed by Finn and me._

Blaine and Kurt's wedding was absolutely beautiful. There was one thing in the opening speech that really touched me.

_Love is the eternal force of life_.

It's true. Love is the eternal force of life because if my love for Finn and his love for me hadn't been so strong, we wouldn't be together anymore, we wouldn't have made it. But we did and for that, I am thankful every single day.

Finn's POV:

Kurt and Blaine are officially married now. I have to admit, the wedding was a lot of fun. Rachel had found out which song Kurt and Blaine had chosen for their first dance and instead of playing the CD Rachel and I learned the song and sung it.  
I was really nervous because I hadn't really sung in front of an audience for a really long time and on top of that it was my brother's first dance and I really didn't want to screw it up.

_When the DJ came up to our table to tell Kurt and Blaine it was time for their first dance, they excitedly stood up. _

"_Rach...I'm really nervous. What is I screw it up." I whispered._

"_You're not going to screw it up honey, you can do this. You know you can."_

_The music started playing and Rachel pulled me out of my chair. Blaine and Kurt had already started dancing, but when Rachel and I started singing they looked up in surprise. They started laughing a little and at first I was really afraid that they thought it sucked but then they smiled at us and continued dancing. Phew._

"_Baby, you're not alone  
Cause you're here with me  
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down  
Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you  
And you know it's true  
It don't matter what'll come to be  
Our love is all we need to make it through  
I still have trouble  
I trip and stumble  
Trying to make sense of things sometimes  
I look for reasons  
But I don't need 'em  
All I need is to look in your eyes  
And I realize  
Baby I'm not alone  
Cause you're here with me  
And nothing's ever gonna take us down  
Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you  
And you know it's true  
It don't matter what'll come to be  
Our love is all we need to make it through"_

"_That was awesome!" I screamed excitedly, luckily not in the microphone but just loud enough for a few people to hear. Rachel laughed and I smiled at her._

"_You were great." She said, before kissing me._

"_You were both great!" Blaine and Kurt said, beaming. "Thank you so much for doing that...it really made this wedding even more special."_

"_Well, after everything you guys did for us, it was the least we could do." I replied._

I love that song so much. And while we did sing it for Kurt and Blaine it also felt fitting for me and Rachel.

We had been through so much together and we did realize that we were not alone. We had Kurt and Blaine and Puck. But more importantly, we had each other. We have each other. And our love _is_ all we need to make it through.

We love each other and after all this time and everything that has happened, that's everything. And for that, I am thankful every single day.

**A/N: This chapter doesn't really focus on Finn/Rachel and I'm sorry for that but I just really wanted to add the Klaine wedding! I hope you liked it!  
Sadly, the opening words aren't mine but they're so beautiful and I thought they were kinda perfect for Klaine (did you notice the _courage? _;) so that's why I used them.  
(Oh, and if you don't know the song you should really, really check it out! It's_ Not Alone_ by Darren Criss)**


	9. Chapter 9

**OCTOBER**

Rachel's POV:

September went by in a blur and now it's already mid-October. This month has been incredibly hard for me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised about that. Emma would've turned five this month, if she was still alive. This time last year she was already sick and we had to celebrate her birthday in the hospital. Emma didn't mind at all, she actually had fun there, she had even made friends there.

We'd gotten her a cake and my dads and Carole and Burt had come to the hospital to eat it with us.

In hindsight, I think it was a nice way to say goodbye you know...just, surrounded by her family, surrounded by all the people who loved her. It was peaceful. I remember breaking down in the hallway of the hospital after everyone left.

_I could feel the tears burning in my eyes after everyone had left the hospital. Emma had fallen asleep, the 'party' had worn her out and because I didn't want to wake her up I walked out of her room. In the hallway I started crying, really crying.  
_

_"What's wrong?" I heard Finn asking me as he rested one of his hands on my shoulder._

_"Everything is wrong Finn! Our daughter is in the hospital because she's -" I wanted to say dying but the word didn't come out of my mouth._

_I took a deep breath and looked Finn in the eyes. "We just celebrated the birthday of our daughter in the hospital! And you know what...it will probably be her last one too."_

_"Don't say that" Finn said, shaking his head "you don't know what's going to happen."_

_"But I do. I wish I didn't, but I do and so do you and there's nothing we can do about it."_

_Finn looked at me a few seconds, decided not to argue with me and closed me in his arms._

_"She had fun today..." he whispered._

_"Yeah, I know. That's the saddest part."  
_

In two weeks it'll be November. Which means I'm already living a year without Emma. Although, _surviving_, would be a better word to describe it.

I'm still angry at the world for taking her away from me so soon. It's not supposed to happen like that, the world isn't supposed to work like that. It's all so unfair.

I really thought I was doing better but now everything feels ten times worse again.

They're telling me that it's normal for me to feel like this. But honestly, it scares me. It makes me despondent.

Is it really _never_ going to get better? I realize that I will never be as happy as I was before all of this happened, there's a weight on my heart that wasn't there before and I know I have to learn to live with that. I just wish I could be happy for longer than 5 minutes, you know?

The image I have of Emma is starting to fade. Yes, I know what she looks like, I know the color of her eyes, but I don't remember what her voice was like. I don't see her 'moving' anymore. And that's what makes me sad. It's like I'm losing her – again.

The only positive side this time is that I'm going through this with Finn. We talk a lot about Emma, with each other and with the people around us.

There were times when I wasn't sure we were going to make it, there were times when I didn't believe in Finchel anymore. But I do now.

We're here for each other. Not just now, but always.

Finn's POV:

The past month the sadness caught up with us. We'd been running from it, trying to stay busy, trying to focus on other things – it worked for a while but now it feels like we've just fallen flat on our face.

Emma's birthday is coming up...it's moments like these that, for me at least, are the hardest because all the memories from previous birthdays come rushing back into my memory, whether I want to or not.

Sometimes I wish we buried her instead of cremating her.

We don't have a place where we can 'visit' her. We don't really have a place where we can put flowers or stuffed animals or whatever. I know my mom used to talk to my dad's urn. But I don't have that either.

We scattered her ashes because we wanted her to be free. We didn't want to lock her up. So I do the only thing I can do. I pretend she can hear me and I'll just start talking to her sometimes, when I'm alone in my car for example. I don't know if she listens to me. I hope she does, I hope she knows that we haven't forgotten her, that we never will.

She was and always will be my little princess. It still hurts me that I couldn't save her but what happened, happened and there's absolutely no turning back. Rachel and I have to live with this for the rest of our lives.

But what happened to Emma, what happened to me and Rachel, it enriched us in a way.

My relationship with Rachel has changed, it feels like it's stronger now. It _is_ stronger now.

Because we _survived_ this. We've gotten through this _together. _

Sure, it has been really hard but we did it. Now I know that nothing will ever tear us apart. If you survive something as big as this, you can handle everything. And knowing that – after all this time and after everything that has happened – we still love each other, that's one of the best feelings in the world.

**A/N: So... I hope you guys liked it. There's only one chapter left now!**


	10. Chapter 10

**FIVE YEARS LATER**

Rachel's POV:

It's a beautiful day today, the sun is shining and I can hear the birds sing.  
And when I look outside my window I can see my husband and my son playing outside on the swing set.

That's right, Finn and I have a two-year-old son now. Christopher.  
Well, we call him Chris but his official name is Christopher, after Finn's father. He's an amazing kid.

He's absolutely wonderful and adorable and...perfect. But above all, he is healthy and happy and that is what matters most.

I am feeling much much better too. I actually joined Blaine's StarKid team permanently which has been a really fun experience so far. I've performed a lot the past four and a half years and it has been absolutely wonderful. I learned that in order to make other people happy, I have to make myself happy too. So this time, I didn't stop performing when Chris was born.  
Which doesn't mean I love him any less. Absolutely not. I just owe it to him and to Finn to be the best version of myself.

It feels like we made it, despite all of the tears, all the anger and pain, we made it.  
We're able to live in the present without any guilt because there's someone we have to take care of again now.

Chris doesn't know about Emma yet. We think he's too young to really understand the situation so we haven't told him about her. Which doesn't mean we have forgotten her.

We still think about Emma every day and we still miss her. But we've moved on, as far as that's possible. When the time is right, we will tell Chris all about his beautiful sister and how much we loved her.

And I'm sure he will be proud of her. Just like we are.

/

Finn's POV:

Rachel and I have a son now. Christopher, after my dad. It was Rachel's idea and I thought it was perfect.

When Rachel told me she was pregnant, a little over two years ago now, I felt...shocked.

Of course I was happy, really happy. But I was also worried, afraid. Afraid that I would forget Emma, afraid of having to be a father again when I sometimes still felt like I did such a bad job the first time. But once again, Rachel was there for me with her kind words and her love and she made me believe in myself.  
One day I went with her to the doctor and he let me heart the heartbeat of our baby and I started tearing up.  
When I heard that heartbeat, I fell in love. I fell in love with my wife again and I fell in love with our baby.  
And when I, after nine months, finally could hold him in my arms I realized I was going to love this baby as much as I had loved, and still love, Emma.

Chris is an amazing kid and he brings so much joy into my life, it is truly amazing. He is definitely one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  
What I feared didn't happen, I haven't forgotten Emma at all.  
If anything, Chris is a reminder of her, even though he is nothing like her. He is equally special, just in another way. If you're a parent, I think you can understand what I mean.

Remember when I told you how we didn't really have a place to remember Emma? Well, three years ago we donated some money to the city to make a little playground in the park.  
They named the playground after Emma and now the kids from the neighborhood finally have a place to play.

Emma would be proud if she knew that she inspired us to do that for other kids.

We've been to the playground with Chris a few times too and he really likes it there.

In a way, it is a very peaceful place, even if there are dozens of little kids running around.

When we are there, it feels like Emma is with us too.

And who knows...maybe she is.

/

**A/N:** Sorry it took so long for me to upload this and sorry it's so short! The ending feels quite right for me, what do you think? Also, thank you so much to everyone who has read this story, favorited this story, reviewed this story, etc... it means a lot to me that you guys stuck with me through my first story. So, thank you! And I hope I didn't disappoint. X


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